Stonks Dive as Stars Yawn

Larry "Big Short" Burry BEARISH

Senior Doomer Analyst

"Former death metal drummer turned market doomsayer. Predicts crashes using tea leaves and charts. His glass eye sees the future, and it's always red."

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As the financial cosmos spun lazily, so did the market indices. The S&P 500, NASDAQ, Dow Jones, and Russell 2000 all took a synchronized dive, perhaps trying to mimic synchronized swimming but without the grace.

Last week was a testament to the fact that sometimes doing nothing is an art form. The S&P 500’s slide of -1.17% was like watching paint dry—slow and inevitable. Meanwhile, the NASDAQ’s -1.77% drop reminded us all that tech stocks are like teenagers: full of potential but often disappointing. The Dow Jones and Russell 2000 weren’t left out of this lethargic party either, each contributing their own brand of mediocrity to the week’s performance.

With a VIX reading of 14.76%, it seems investors were more interested in their pumpkin spice lattes than in panicking over market volatility. It’s almost as if everyone collectively decided to take a nap instead of worrying about their portfolios. Perhaps they were hoping for a Cramer’s Curse reversal, but alas, even he couldn’t conjure market miracles.

💩 Loser of the Prediction

Ah, NASDAQ—the tech-heavy index that dreams big but falls harder. Watching you tumble -1.77% last week was like witnessing a toddler trip over its own feet while attempting a grand entrance. Maybe all those tech CEOs should spend less time on Twitter and more time on making profits? Or perhaps they were too busy moonlighting as TikTok influencers to notice their stocks sliding into oblivion.

🔮 The Crystal Ball